Don't Quit Your Day Job

Ahhh, December in Steeler Country. It's a wonderful time (most years), because it's the time of wrapping up the division championship, fighting for good playoff seeding, and hating on Tom Brady and the Patriots while secretly praying that we don't face him in the playoffs. But really, I've never experienced anything like the following deliciousness:

http://www.steelers.com/video-and-audio/videos/Merry-Christmas-from-the-Steelers/a649647a-80f1-4d87-8f00-d38ac55c85a0

Let's take a song by song analysis*:

*some sarcasm to follow, but only from love.

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"Let It Snow"

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The Running Backs and Wide Receivers start things off with some volume. Rashard Mendenhall takes the opportunity to show of his slow motion spin move (Chappelle style, of course). Hines Ward is all "I got this boys" and Antwaan Randle El is rockin' out.

Not to be outdone, the Defensive Backs, decked out in their very very yellow practice jerseys introduce the musical Key of Q flat minor to the world! Also, did you know that POPPING and LOW are lyrics of this song? You do now, because #28 Crezdon Butler added some lovely interpretive accents to those words.

Enter the Defensive Linemen. Their commitment to the right-to-left sway is impressive, but not as impressive as their enthusiasm. It only gets better, folks, stay tuned.

After an uncertain beginning, the Kicking Specialists must have heard that they were following the DL's act, and Greg Warren, longsnapper, gathers Daniel and Sean for a touching group hug. Aw, they're so cute. And also very relieved when the familiar "let it snows" come back in. PHEW.

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"Here Comes Santa Claus"

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The O-line and QBs must have somewhere to be, because this is the fastest version of this song ever by a group of extremely large men. My personal favorite part is that no one seems to know the words "cause Santa Claus comes tonight." Or maybe they're just running out of air, because the amount of oxygen sucked out of the room before the 2nd verse could create a vaccuum worthy of outer space. If you listen closely, there is a guy somewhere in there who is SINGING ON KEY! wait, what? I need to find out who this is. They are all very proud of themselves after it is over, and have a TD celebration.

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"Santa Claus is Coming To Town"

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The Linebackers sing this one. By "sing," I mean, "deliver a threat via Christmas Carol." After James Harrison is done with his intro, you're thinking..."I'm watching out! Not crying...nope not at all! I swear!!" And then you wonder how opposing teams must feel when he's not even bothering to sing Christmas Carols at them, and just runs them over. Thank God Lawrence Timmons laughs now and again to relieve the tension.

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"Silver Bells"

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In an examination of contrasts, the kickers start us out right where they left off - laughing their way awkwardly through a song that (in their defense) no one really knows. We all just hear it on the radio every year about this time, but unless you were in choir, you never sang it. Bonus points to Sepulveda for use of Jazz Hands at the end. Too bad you're followed by...

The Defensive Line!!!!!! They not only employ the aforementioned Jazz Hands, but they go right back to their tried-and-true swaying technique. Raising the stakes a bit is Nick Eason. Candy Cane prop? Check! Use it as a fake cigar? Check. Just when you think it can't possibly get any better, they break out the ECHO! It matters not that they forgot echoes are supposed to be the same words as the ones before them, but it was a bold choice, and bold choices are rewarded with applause. Seriously, I clapped out loud for them. Nice touch with the harmony at the end, Chris Hoke.

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"Deck the Halls"

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The DBs start this one off, and if you turn the sound off, you could swear the William Gay is singing some serious opera. His emoting is wondrous to behold. Ike Taylor does not let a little thing like singing get in the way of his smile. No, really. He doesn't sing a note, just grins at the camera. Awww, Ike, you know we all love you!

Something goes wrong with the video, and you're taken to a Christmas Funeral. Wait, no...that's just the Tight Ends. I'm concerned about you boys - who stole your Christmas? Because I love you all, and I'll get it back for you. A few smiles and laughs escape, but Coach in the middle is allllll business. "C'mon guys, I want this falalalala done on the first take, no shenanigans or holiday cheer."

Bring it home Defensive Line!!! At this point, there is nothing more to add about this group. They're pulling out all the stops, bringing the Christmas Cheer, raising the Spirit Meter at the North Pole about 20,000 notches.

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"We Wish You A Merry Christmas"

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The Tight Ends are back to wish us all a Merry Christmas. Well, thanks, and you guys too. Hope Santa brings you some caffeine in your stockings this year.

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"Holly Jolly Christmas"

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Welcome back, Wideouts! They don't know if there'll be snow...or the lyrics to that section for that matter, but they give it their all. So very joyous! How to top this?

Oh, wait, here comes the DEFENSIVE LINE! Back again, boys? Show us how it's done...and they do. Chris Hoke is the most underrated bass singer in the Steeler's organization, and even gets a nice little kiss for his hard work. At this point, the Earth might have been knocked off it's axis by a degree or two from the aftereffects of the ever-more-enthustiastic sway. Totally worth it.

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After some genuine well-wishes from some of our beloved Steelers, we are treated to a few outtakes. They are all great, and make us love our boys even more, but by far the best is when Ben tells all the O-line and QBs to be louder. LOUDER LOUDER GUYS!!! ON THREE!!! ONE TWO THREE! And then no one sings except for Maurice Pouncey. Priceless.

Finally, some awards:

The Tony goes to: Chris Hoke. Obvious choice.

Best Supporting: The D-line. Because Chris couldn't have done it without them.

Most intriguing conducting technique: William Gay - very heartfelt, very, um, rhythmically creative.

Most commanding entrance: Antwaan Randle El. He was ready and resonant at the very first note.

Best dance break: Rashard Mendenhall. (Also see, Most Appropriately Timed Cameo)

Most adorable confusion: Ike Taylor

Biggest self-congratulatory pat on the back: Oline and QBs...Here Comes Santa Claus...you get 'em boys

Award because I'm afraid not to give them one: Linebackers. You guys rock my world, and I love you. Please tell Santa not to bring me coal?

Best idea: whoever came up with filming this. Really, it's only going to endear the Steelers to all of us Pittsburgh fans all over the country even more. It's great to see them having fun with each other, donning some fun winter-wear, and taking the time to put smiles on their fans' faces. Now beat those Panthers!!!

So, uh, when can I go back?

A few helpful definitions before reading:

JerseyWow - Oldest Jersey sibling. Fellow female volleyball warrier. Fun Facilitator extrordinaire.

JerseySalsa - Younger Jersey sibling. Karaoke specialist, photographer, and pretty reliable server.

Obby - My brother. We also invented and named a sport after him called ObbyBall. Patent pending.

BMan - JerseyWow's person, and the most similar in athletic ability to my brother that I have ever witnessed.

London - Guy from London. Had the world's most awesome belt. And the world's most awesome quotes.

Heeeep Heeeep, SALSA, or AWWoWWWW: Our new favorite references to just about everything.

Welcome to the Iberostar Bavaro - where an orange wristband will get you whatever your heart desires, and Hurricane Tomas was NOT invited...

That was my scenic walk to the beach every day. Pretty spectacular, si? Si. Except for when it had rained. Then it was an episode of slip and slide, entertaining every grounds worker along the way.

Room 2662.

Such a great place to stay, and the site of a few memorable moments. A word to the wise, however: If you and your fellow night owl have a brilliant idea to wake Obby up at 4 AM to try to convince him that it is actually 7:30 and time to go to the gym, one should remember that it is still PITCH BLACK outside, and the object of your "prank" is actually mildly intelligent. He will not be fooled, even after 20 minutes of elaborate planning, teamwork, and self-congratulatory pats on the back.

The patio was a pretty sweet place to hang out, especially when I caught this little guy:

He was very cool, and changed colors, but he did not save me 15% or more on car insurance, so I released him back into the wild.

We soon discovered beach volleyball is a game with few language barriers, so we played twice a day...every day. Our newfound friends, the Jerseys and London, completed the volleyball ensemble. We spent most of our time doing:

Obby was probably setting the ball up for a ridiculous BMan kill. The beginnings of a lovely bromance.


Digging was my specialty, although I have to say that face I am making? Not effective at stopping sand from invading the respiratory system. Some people take sand from the beach back in a little souvenir bottle. Not me. I take it back in my lungs.



Once the sun went down, it was entertainment time! The lobby looks even more awesome in person, and also houses the best bathrooms ever. Each stall is like an individual room in itself. I wonder if they're available for rent if the hotel gets overbooked?

Santo (my favorite Star Friend) came up to me and said, "Where is your familia? I want Mom and Dad for the show." My reply? "Good luck, Santo. Hope you're willing to drag them up there." 10 minutes later, he comes to find me, with a drink coaster in his hand. It has my parents' names on it. "You need to know your parents a little better!" Santo, you were so right.

I give you, Couple Numero Dos!!!

SALSAAAA!

But oh, no. The family was not done entertaining for the evening. Did we hear....karaoke? JerseyWow and I took it upon ourselves to sign JerseySalsa and Obby up for a little performance action, and they basically rocked the house. JS brought a little Semi-Charmed Life to the Domincan Republic before Obby took things back to the time of Ice Ice Baby. Vanilla Ice has been busy filming VH1's "I Live In A House Full Of Has-Beens, Watch Me Throw Things," but his song lives on in infamy. And yes, Obby has his back to the lyrics, because he is a lyrical genius. They were not for his aid, but to show all the non-English speaking people just how darn FAST he was spouting out words. And they were impressed, they were very impressed.

No evening would be complete without a visit to the Disco, where American music would start around 11:30 and continue until 3AM. Fact. Don't doubt it, because JerseySalsa, London, and I (fondly known as Pittsburgh), shut the place DOOOWWWWN.

Right hand, tasty and delicious drink. Left hand, literally the ONLY glass of Mamajuana I had the entire week that tasted like liquid sulfur. Fortunately, JerseyWow and I had a wonderful trick to dispose of unwanted shots while fooling our adoring public into believing we were keeping up with them.

Also, this picture proves that, at one point, my bracelet DID in fact have stars on it. Later in the week, they disappeared never to be heard from again.

Back in the States, it is cold, bracelets do NOT get your free drinks, food, or golf cart rides, and I have no opportunity to do this:

Only picture of me acting like I belong anywhere near the volleyball net. HEEEEP HEEEEP!




But seriously, when do I go back?

If Elections Are Over, Does That Mean...

...that people will stop being, for lack of a better description, complete assholes? I dread election season like I dread visiting my dentist and his gum lacerating assistant. Is there any other time that people feel free to disparage everyone who does not hold an identical viewpoint?

Just a few examples of the "viewpoints" held by people I've observed in the past month (paraphrased of course):

"Only the idiots voted today" as the polling results came in.

"If you vote for Obama supporters, you hate America."

"It's not like I've lost my mind and become a Republican."

"Obama is a Muslim, which makes you a terrorist." This one might be my all time favorite, because it covers taking a jibe at a man who wasn't even running for political office at this time, stating inaccuracies, and insulting an entire religion all in one fell swoop.

Some of these sentiments were expressed by people very near and dear to my heart, and obviously, both major parties are guilty of this shallow name calling. Is it so wrong to wish that we could be above labeling members of a different party with such derogatory condemnation and condescension? Ridiculous.

Seriously, do people realize that so much of what they are spewing can be applied to the very people they are speaking to? I don't discuss politics with too many people, so a lot of my friends don't know where I stand on certain issues, or who I vote for. So, sure, most of my friends probably just assume my silence means that I am in their camp. But I have lost track of the times that I have been insulted in the past month listening to friends of mine disparage those whose opinions and ideas I happen to agree with and support. Or worse, how many times I've felt ashamed when friends who share my opinions completely lambaste people who hold a different political set of ideas.

If you know anything about me, you know I am all for the witty facebook status, classic one liners (a la The Office), and a healthy dose of sarcasm. But condescension and ignorance do not disappear because a statement is cleverly clothed in wit and humor. Those statements are not funny. They are not convincing me that they hold any sort of superior intelligence. They are telling me that whoever made them considers anyone who disagrees with them to be on a level below their own lofty pedestal.

And let's not forget the poor non-voters. Oh, the back-handed digs at them are everywhere. It's your civic duty. Get off your butt and Vote. It's because you stayed home that the ____________ party gained/lost seats! How about this? It's your civic RIGHT. If a person doesn't care enough about the issues at hand, do you really want her in a ballot box casting a vote that will help decide the path our government will take? I'd prefer to leave those kinds of decisions to the people who are driven by an educated interest in the issues and platforms invovled, and who care enough about the implementation of them to vote for the candidate they think will best serve the people.

Here's the deal: Democracy is great because every election results in a peaceful transfer or continuance of power. The candidates who win are the ones with the largest group of constituents who actually cared enough about their political ideas that they got out and voted. So, in the last presidential election, Obama won because enough people wanted change in the White House, supported the Democratic Party's political approach to government, and cared enough about supporting him to cast their votes accordingly. So this time, the Rebublicans reclaimed the House majority and gained seats in the Senate because enough people wanted to curb some of the Democratic power, desired to see some change, and CARED ENOUGH TO VOTE ACCORDINGLY.

Are you seeing a pattern here? There is no blame game, no name calling, just simple fact. Every citizen has a right to one vote, and the cumulative results of each singular vote form our government, whether it was the outcome YOU desired or not. We have to remember that, clearly, quite a few people did indeed desire that outcome if it came to pass.

And we have to remember that the ability to have opinions, vote, refine or even change opinions, and vote again in the next election is not a universal one. We are lucky to live in a country that affords us the opportunity to cast our votes on a regular basis. And we need those "pesky" people who disagree with us, because they challenge our ideas, provide alternative solutions, and continue to be an engine of CHOICE.

........now politicians are another story........

Cleaning Apartments: A Comparative Study

Steps to cleaning an apartment, Joe Schmoe Down The Road style:

1. Tidy up any items laying around, clearing tabletops and other surfaces for easy cleaning
2. Get cleaning products from closet.
3. Wipe down desired surfaces
4. Take out sweeper (I live in Pittsburgh, it's called a sweeper) or mop, depending on floor surface.
5. Use it on the floor.
6. Put cleaning products away.
7. Repeat in each room.
8. Enjoy clean apartment.
*estimated time for a three room apartment, one hour.

Steps to cleaning MY apartment, Leah-style:

1. Tidy up any items laying around. Notice that one of these items is a book. Sit down and read a few chapters.
2. Turn on iTunes to provide a cleaning soundtrack.
3. Get cleaning products from closet, kitchen table, and underneath the couch. Wonder why the Windex was underneath the couch in the first place.
4. Spray desired surfaces with cleaning product, wipe clean.
5. Notice a good song has come on, begin adding choreography to jazz class combination.
6. Change clothes, current clothes are now sweaty from the dance break.
7. Find cleaning products again, resume dusting and cleaning.
8. Decide that the books are arranged improperly on the bookshelf. Ponder what possibly made the arrangement seem like a good idea in the first place. Rearrange the bookshelf.
9. Find mug of loose change while rearranging bookshelf. Sit down and roll it, preparing a deposit to take to the bank.
10. While dealing with money already, sit down and write rent check. Balance checkbook for good measure.
11. Wonder if DJ Gallo posted the NFL Hangover on ESPN's site. Check, then read article.
12. Get excited about the Steeler's 3-0 start, read articles on every sports site about how great the Steeler defense is.
13. Make lunch.
14. Decide to watch an episode of Lost on netflix streaming while eating lunch.
15. Remember that today is cleaning day.
16. Wander aimlessly around the apartment looking for the swiffer rag.
17. Give up, get a new one.
18. Continue cleaning, find the old one.
19. Get mop from closet.
20. Mop hardwood floors. Forget to take socks off until after they are already wet from stepping in the already mopped section.
21. Repeat in each room
*estimated time for a three-room apartment: 10 hours

And that is the difference between Joe Schmoe and me.

In Defense of #7

Steeler Season is upon us, and week one brought a hard fought, extremely boring (to everyone except Jim Mora - that man loved everything), not altogether unlucky win. I think we can all say it together: PHEW. Because let's face facts. Dennis Dixon is not about to win any games on his own here. He's not going to take control of a situation and will the offense to the end zone. He's never going to be the 2 minute drill extraordinaire that Ben is, and he drastically underthrew more than a few passes. In fact, if the receivers weren't smart enough to start coming back to the ball in the 2nd half, (thank you Hines Ward, and also for reminding us again how you shine even when no one gives you a chance. You know, like drafting you into the NFL, giving you a starting position on the Steelers, or naming you Super Bowl MVP.) things would have been a lot worse for the Good Guys.

Now I pay attention to sports talk and media coverage both locally and nationally, and I am in disbelief of the following: There are people out there who honestly believe that since the Steelers won game one, they should send Ben packing. "We can win with Dixon, we don't need trash on our team!" "Bye Bye Ben!" and "Don't Come Back From Your Bathroom Break" kind of stuff. REALLY?!?!?! I mean, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllly? There are two reasons why these people should think their thoughts inside their heads and then never ever say them out loud. Firstly, Dennis Dixon did not get into the end zone. He did not play a spectacular game. The defense won it. Secondly, folks, come on. We have a justice system for a reason, and the dude was not even charged with a crime.

To elaborate on the first point, I should start by saying that I like Dennis Dixon. I want to see what he can do, and even though it sucks that Leftwich was injured, I wanted to see Dixon get these four games. But no one who knows a lick of football can tell me that Dixon is the better choice over Ben. Dixon's interceptions tend to come at critical moments, Ben's rarely come when the game is on the line. Dixon can't run the 2 minute drill nearly as effectively as Ben can. Ben puts that football through the eye of the needle, and Dixon sometimes puts it on the ground. He likes the bounce pass, what can I say? To those that argue Dixon's running ability makes him the better choice behind the offensive line's sometimes spotty pass protection, I put forth Ben's uncanny ability to be the slowest moving elusive human being ever. He gets out of spots that seem impossible, and get a pass in the air. Dixon just runs.

As far as the second point goes, this one's a little tougher. Ben was long ago found guilty of doucebaggery by yours truly. I seem to be in the minority of people who think this shouldn't preclude him from being a franchise quarterback that we can all cheer for when he's on the football field. We have all known he's a douche for a long time. Surprising to some people, however, being a douchebag is not punishable by jail time, community service, or even walking around with a warning sign.

So one night in the offseason, Ben goes out, has some drinks, and has an encounter, so to speak, with a young woman in a bar. (Side note: I will not call her a victim because there was never a crime recorded on the books, and the legal definition of victim requires the commission of a crime. Also, the incident occurred while the woman was knowingly breaking the law herself by consuming alcohol while underage.) Ben and the woman went to a bathroom (class out the a$$), and later, they came out. These are the only facts we really know. But we can draw conclusions from the following truth: There was a full investigation, headed by a man who desperately wanted to nab Ben on as hefty a charge as possible, and that investigation turned up NOT ONE THING that could lead to a viable criminal charge, let alone something that would produce a guilty verdict in court. This man was forced to close the investigation without pressing a single charge, even though the court of public opinion has been in progress ever since that night. What people seem to be forgetting, though, is that we have a justice system for a reason. It is so that citizens like Ben cannot be railroaded into criminal charges and jail sentences simply because a whole lot of people don't like his behavior. It's easy to assume that some form of harassment or assault happened. It's also just as easy to assume that the girl in question decided to see what she could get out of a rape/sexual assault accustation against a rich and famous athlete who prefer to keep his name out the negative spotlight. I'm not going to say which way I lean, because the truth is, we just don't know. But according to the laws of our country, we are all innocent until proven guilty, and he wasn't even brought into court because they knew they couldn't even come close to the proof they needed.

Oh and some other fun facts:
Quinn Ojinnaka of the Atlanta Falcons: suspended for ONE GAME due to an ARREST on a BATTERY charge for tossing his wife down some stairs and physically throwing her out of the house.
Maurice Purify of the Cincinnati Bengals: suspended for ONE GAME due to an ARREST and a CRIMINAL CHARGE of disorderly conduct.
Santonio Holmes, former Steeler: suspended for FOUR GAMES (same as Ben) for being CAUGHT doing illegal drugs, and being dumb enough to brag about it on the internet.

These men were caught and charged, two with criminal offenses, and they will miss less playing time than Ben. Just some food for thought.

Basically, I'm not interested in condemning a man for behaving stupidly. I just will never associate with him if I ever have the chance. It's how I deal with all douchebags in my daily life. But will I be excited to see him take the field in Week Five? Yes. Do I think the man got railroaded by an overzealous commishioner trying to make a point? Absolutely. And do I think the idiots who plan on booing him upon his return, and lambasting him in his absence have two feet to stand on? No, no I do not.

Go Steelers, and when it comes time for his return, GO BIG BEN!

Tales From The Road

Look, I'm guilty of the occasional I-shouldn't-have-been-given-a-license moment, but I'm pretty sure that applies to everyone at least once in their driving lives, so I'm not too worried about it. Plus, I learn from those moments. "Thought you could merge just once without checking your blind spot? HA, think again!" Other than those few-and-far-between lapses in judgment, I consider myself to be a pretty damn good driver. Not such a great parker, but that's not the issue here. As a good driver, I have noticed that I belong to a club that has a small and rapidly declining membership, which makes me nervous for the future generations of drivers. I mean, these idiots on the roads will soon be TEACHING teenagers how to drive. Astounding. I'm assuming the lessons will go something like this:

Step one: If you have a GPS, iPod, and/or cell phone, make sure you have it with you before you get into your car. Whatever you do, though, please do not turn it on or program it before you put the car into gear. These are activities best performed while driving, preferably in stop and go traffic. I mean, what is driving without the constant threat of rear-ending the car in front of you because you needed to choose a new playlist?

Step two: Don't worry about adjusting your mirrors - you won't need them anyway. You have the Magic Turn Signal, which means you can just turn it on and begin to merge. An immediate force field will push all cars in your desired lane away from you, leaving you free to continue your journey without pausing to consider the 12 years you took off of the life of that poor driver to your left.

Step three: Put the car in reverse. This one actually matters, because please do not drive the car into the back wall of the garage. Then your parents will have to rewar...ooops I meant punish you by purchasing a new car for you to destro...ahem, drive.

Congratulations, you're on the road! Now, remember all those pesky little facts you had to learn to get your learner's permit? Forget them! They're more like guidelines anyway. Here's what you want to remember about some common driving topics:

Turn Signals: Now, you may remember that you have the Magic Turn Signal. This is fortunate, since it seems that your car is not equipped with the Standard Turn Signal. You know, those lights that supposedly blink in order to indicate to your fellow drivers that you are intending to turn soon, so please expect to slow down in the near future? I've heard they exist, but lets chalk those up to an urban legend that just won't die. Basically, just turn when you want to, slowing down at the last possible second in order to really catch that sucker behind you by surprise. You can rest easy knowing that you've increased the driver's adrenaline levels to those associated with the fight/flight response, not to mention the seating capacity in their car by forcing anything on the seats to fly off onto the floor.

Traffic Lights: If the light is green, proceed through the intersection. If the light is yellow, race through the intersection as fast as you can so that the light does not turn red before you break the sound barrier. If the light is red, now is a good time to crack open the newspaper, crank up that laptop to check some email, apply some makeup, or take a nice nap. Really, anything to prevent you from noticing that the light before you has now returned to green. Do not proceed through the intersection until the driver in the car behind you has given the 10 count and beeps their horn at you. Once you have begun moving, flick that person off so that they know not to be so rude in the future.

Stop Signs: These are similar to traffic lights in that sometimes, you have to stop when you reach them. It is suggested by some that this is not a negotiable direction, and that each stop sign is mandatory, but "pish-posh" I say. You stop when and if you feel like it, don't bother looking both ways, then continue on your journey at whatever speed you feel best suits the occasion. If you have a line of cars behind you, you may find that a full stop, complete with makeup and hair check in the rearview mirror, is called for. However, when there are other cars coming from different directions at the intersection, you may find that coasting through without stopping is more efficient. That way, you get through the intersection an average of .3 seconds faster, AND you influence the negative energy in all of the cars around you. Two birds with one stone, really.

Tailgating: Some people think tailgating is a dangerous driving technique that leads to an alarming number of accidents. These people are crazy. If you are on the highway, and leave a few car lengths of space in between you and the car in front of you, other drivers might MERGE THEIR CARS INTO YOUR LANE! Preposterous! Tailgating is also an effective way to tell the driver in front of you, "I know that you are already going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit, but you don't understand...I really want to hitch a ride in your backseat." When this driver taps her breaks to let you know you're making her a little nervous, break into hysterics, scream obscenities at her, and follow her even more closely so that she knows just how good of a driver you are! "No need to worry ma'am. I'm even CLOSER to your car now, and I'm still narrowly escaping an accident!"

Parking: You may find that some parking lots have lines painted onto the pavement, creating rectangular-shaped spaces eerily similar in size to that of a car/truck/van/SUV. Disregard. These are an unfortunate attempt to "glam up" the parking area, and you may want to consider complaining to the artist who thought all that symmetry was a good idea.

Now, please don't think that because you've had one driving lesson that you are an expert. There are many other facets to the driving experience that we haven't even covered yet, but I think that's enough for one day. Oh, and don't bother reading the story in the paper tomorrow about that pileup on the parkway...it wasn't your fault, and those reporters never get their facts straight anyway...

He's Just Not That Into You...and vice versa

So I've just re-read the book "He's Just Not That Into You." Now, as women, if we had any common sense at all, we would only need to read the chapter titles of this book. We would see the words "he's just not that into you if he's not calling you" and say to ourselves, "Of course! This is just so easy!" But we are women, we love to make excuses for why a guy might not be calling us, but we would rather jump from an airplane with no parachute while chugging hot sauce than admit that this guy has taken a pass on what is clearly the best thing ever to cross his path - us! But what is so liberating about finally admitting that he might just not be into us is that, as Greg so wisely points out in the book, we DON'T WASTE THE PRETTY.

Now, I'm the queen of making excuses for guys. Although I don't call it that. I call it being low-maintenance. But low-maintenance doesn't have to mean low standards, and that's what my reunion with this book taught me. I've never been the kind of girl who needs a guy to call me and formally ask me on a date, pick me up at the door with flowers, and surprise me with a fully planned out romantic outing. In fact, usually that would create the need for an "I'm just not that into you" conversation. I've always been ok with a text message, with just hanging out, with just chatting every once in awhile. But you know what? That never works. Literally, never. I've been single for a while now...long enough to qualify me as an expert, and after reading this book last night, I have made a new pact with myself. I will not proactively pursue any guy, no matter how good looking he may be, no matter how charming his jokes are, no matter how much he may catch my attention (and trust me, catching my attention is a LOT harder than it may sound). He will call me. He will ask me out. And if he doesn't, then as much as it may suck to admit that he's JUST NOT THAT INTO ME, I will suck it up and admit it. Because being the cool, chill, low-maintenance chick still deserves to be pursued, and perhaps I'm a little too optimistic, but I think there just may be a guy out there who will pursue me. And to my friends - I hope you will make this pact, too, because you are all beautiful, sexy, strong women, and you also deserve to be pursued. And lest you think this is old fashioned, think of it like this: You are now in control. You will no longer be waiting by the phone for a call or a text, or worse, be calling or texting HIM. You will be living your life, enjoying your friends, and when you meet that guy who is totally into you, you won't have to wait by the phone. He'll call. He'll ask you out. Because he will not want any other guy to have the chance.

THAT BEING SAID

I have now entered the world of the flip-side. The "she's just not that into you" talk. Because, fellas, you could use a book, too. Only problem is, you'd never read it. But let me break it down for you. If a girl is into you, you will know. Again: YOU. WILL. KNOW. If you find yourself making eye contact, in a moment where it is possible that a kiss could happen if you decided to lean in and go for it, and she breaks that eye contact and moves away, this is NOT A GOOD SIGNAL. An even clearer signal would be if you never find yourself in that position to begin with. I'm a girl, and we girls have perfected the art of putting ourselves in positions where kisses can happen. But only if we want them to. We don't accidentally make our lips available and then realize it later.

Remember, we are the girls who need a BOOK to explain to us what guys' behavior is all about. We analyze. We debate. We chat with our friends. We chat with our co-workers. Hell, we even chat with the woman sitting next to us in the waiting room at the dentist. This is the energy level that we expend on you, the men who are, usually, not that into us. So you can imagaine that if we know you, we've had plenty of time to decide if we WANT you to be into us. We've had the time to talk, game plan, analyze, and most of all, SHOW YOU. So if you are not getting the "go for it...no really, go for it" vibe from a girl you are into, the chances are slim that she's playing hard to get. There's a difference between "hard to get" and "indifference" and if you are honest with yourselves, gentlemen, you will know which is which without having to ask.

So there you have it. I will no longer be wasting the pretty, and hopefully you men have learned a few tidbits of info as well.