Tales From The Road

Look, I'm guilty of the occasional I-shouldn't-have-been-given-a-license moment, but I'm pretty sure that applies to everyone at least once in their driving lives, so I'm not too worried about it. Plus, I learn from those moments. "Thought you could merge just once without checking your blind spot? HA, think again!" Other than those few-and-far-between lapses in judgment, I consider myself to be a pretty damn good driver. Not such a great parker, but that's not the issue here. As a good driver, I have noticed that I belong to a club that has a small and rapidly declining membership, which makes me nervous for the future generations of drivers. I mean, these idiots on the roads will soon be TEACHING teenagers how to drive. Astounding. I'm assuming the lessons will go something like this:

Step one: If you have a GPS, iPod, and/or cell phone, make sure you have it with you before you get into your car. Whatever you do, though, please do not turn it on or program it before you put the car into gear. These are activities best performed while driving, preferably in stop and go traffic. I mean, what is driving without the constant threat of rear-ending the car in front of you because you needed to choose a new playlist?

Step two: Don't worry about adjusting your mirrors - you won't need them anyway. You have the Magic Turn Signal, which means you can just turn it on and begin to merge. An immediate force field will push all cars in your desired lane away from you, leaving you free to continue your journey without pausing to consider the 12 years you took off of the life of that poor driver to your left.

Step three: Put the car in reverse. This one actually matters, because please do not drive the car into the back wall of the garage. Then your parents will have to rewar...ooops I meant punish you by purchasing a new car for you to destro...ahem, drive.

Congratulations, you're on the road! Now, remember all those pesky little facts you had to learn to get your learner's permit? Forget them! They're more like guidelines anyway. Here's what you want to remember about some common driving topics:

Turn Signals: Now, you may remember that you have the Magic Turn Signal. This is fortunate, since it seems that your car is not equipped with the Standard Turn Signal. You know, those lights that supposedly blink in order to indicate to your fellow drivers that you are intending to turn soon, so please expect to slow down in the near future? I've heard they exist, but lets chalk those up to an urban legend that just won't die. Basically, just turn when you want to, slowing down at the last possible second in order to really catch that sucker behind you by surprise. You can rest easy knowing that you've increased the driver's adrenaline levels to those associated with the fight/flight response, not to mention the seating capacity in their car by forcing anything on the seats to fly off onto the floor.

Traffic Lights: If the light is green, proceed through the intersection. If the light is yellow, race through the intersection as fast as you can so that the light does not turn red before you break the sound barrier. If the light is red, now is a good time to crack open the newspaper, crank up that laptop to check some email, apply some makeup, or take a nice nap. Really, anything to prevent you from noticing that the light before you has now returned to green. Do not proceed through the intersection until the driver in the car behind you has given the 10 count and beeps their horn at you. Once you have begun moving, flick that person off so that they know not to be so rude in the future.

Stop Signs: These are similar to traffic lights in that sometimes, you have to stop when you reach them. It is suggested by some that this is not a negotiable direction, and that each stop sign is mandatory, but "pish-posh" I say. You stop when and if you feel like it, don't bother looking both ways, then continue on your journey at whatever speed you feel best suits the occasion. If you have a line of cars behind you, you may find that a full stop, complete with makeup and hair check in the rearview mirror, is called for. However, when there are other cars coming from different directions at the intersection, you may find that coasting through without stopping is more efficient. That way, you get through the intersection an average of .3 seconds faster, AND you influence the negative energy in all of the cars around you. Two birds with one stone, really.

Tailgating: Some people think tailgating is a dangerous driving technique that leads to an alarming number of accidents. These people are crazy. If you are on the highway, and leave a few car lengths of space in between you and the car in front of you, other drivers might MERGE THEIR CARS INTO YOUR LANE! Preposterous! Tailgating is also an effective way to tell the driver in front of you, "I know that you are already going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit, but you don't understand...I really want to hitch a ride in your backseat." When this driver taps her breaks to let you know you're making her a little nervous, break into hysterics, scream obscenities at her, and follow her even more closely so that she knows just how good of a driver you are! "No need to worry ma'am. I'm even CLOSER to your car now, and I'm still narrowly escaping an accident!"

Parking: You may find that some parking lots have lines painted onto the pavement, creating rectangular-shaped spaces eerily similar in size to that of a car/truck/van/SUV. Disregard. These are an unfortunate attempt to "glam up" the parking area, and you may want to consider complaining to the artist who thought all that symmetry was a good idea.

Now, please don't think that because you've had one driving lesson that you are an expert. There are many other facets to the driving experience that we haven't even covered yet, but I think that's enough for one day. Oh, and don't bother reading the story in the paper tomorrow about that pileup on the parkway...it wasn't your fault, and those reporters never get their facts straight anyway...